Re: The Nothing but Vents, Vents, and MORE VENTS Thread
I don't like double posting, but oh well. It's been just about two weeks.
*sigh* I'm having trouble getting medical attention for what reads like an addiction. Problem is, the bad behavior is not taking my medicine. I really feel myself addicted to skipping it, not because it's unhelpful, but it makes me drowsy and careless. I was supposed to switch medications this month, but then...well rent was due and electricity is costing us the disparity we "Saved" on rent in this bad apartment. My roommate is bad with money, and I being a bad judge of character got in the sunk cost fallacy and gave her my stimulus check over the month of may. Not knowing she hadn't paid electricity. I'm pissed I didn't check, but I asked her (though seh says I didn't. Maybe I didn't, but I remember asking).
anyway, the medicine that most bothers me is for anxiety. It REALLY helps, but it also hurts. Because I'm not anxious, a side affect is I'm not bothered by stuff as much. Trash piling up? Just move it around. Dishes need to be cleaned? Buy plastic cups and plates and bowls and plasticware. Clothes dirty? Do laundry, but only when everything including what I'm wearing is dirty.
I stay up to feel emotion, mostly joy, but some grieving legitimate tragedy. The medicine is for depression too. I helped through the worst of it, but it's now causing me to miss it to get stuff done, and rubberband where I'm overly revealing and just swing the opposite way. It's a tangle of removing one problem that is solving another, a house of cards that is all I have to call my life. It's the jenga tower that so many pieces have been removed by circumstance, and any bad choices I make are compounded by those problems I had no control over, or if I did, I felt I had no alternative to. I would have moved out from being with my roommate, but I had no lead to live by myself, so it was this or nothing. Section 8 got fruited.
Game is like this thing that makes me feel good, so I do it when I feel good. It's also when I feel bad, so I feel good, that's not good either, because it sours something otherwise good.
I'm a hermit since the pandemic and have severe agoraphobia. Over past years, I had used RPoL as window into the world outside my dungeon. Just about the time I was working to get out into the world, was when things went downhill and I'm still on the downward curve.
I ate out, like really made the stupid decision to not cook, because the kitchen was a mess. It was like ten times, and that triple what I can afford on a good month, May was not. I was just so pissed, that I just took it out on my wallet.
I'm in a new game, one I think will look really promising, but I'm off my meds today, since I screwed that up yesterday, and it takes time to get it back in my system. I don't want to fruit up the game, but I may have already.
A mature game (two actually) had issues when I had to call for a cease because it was entering too close to adult territory. I had to defend against the fact an adult game is really ther only suitable place for adult material and explain that mature games are basically just general games. You get tiny bit of leeway, but as written, they still need to observe the convention of newspapers and public TV. Then I get a somewhat cool reply, because it seems (to me it seems to them) I'm overreacting.
I'm glad I was on today, even though I shouldn't be, for that reason. I might have overlooked that otherwise, and while I'd like to think I wouldn't, I don't know. I'm just glad I addressed it regardless.
I'm hoping that this is just a way to condense my struggle in one place. Just a hard vent of the clusternut I'm trying to juggle. If advice could be given, it'd need to address even more than this post entails. I'm just very frustrated. I want to relax and have fun, and I feel like many circumstances are like potholes in a road that I'd otherwise enjoy the journey of. I have to just cool off when posting, and post when I'm better.
I need to find the words to address that and let go of the guilt for not posting, as it's far better to post when I'm all there. I also need to accept if people are wrong, to just let them be wrong. To just GM the way I feel is following jase's and the mod's rules safest and accept if I'm wrong, and if they looked at the game they'd be like "Nah, it's fine mate"; it's still better follow the rules when I don't need to then mess around with it.
Agh, it's traffic accident of one problem smashing into another. I need to find something to occupy my time, and play video game or something, even if it's inspid. Maybe I'll put on a Harry Potter Movie. Maybe I'll just read a game, and not post. I'm without food, because I was short fo money, and I get paid tomorrow, but that's no food today. Well, not no food, just crappy food. PEanut butter sandwich with what little bread I have left. I had some Eggs today that were bought for brownies awhile ago, that had best by june 1st, and was glad I hadn't made the brownies afterall. I raided my emergency frozen meals yesterday too. So...agh you know what...I think that's where I'll end this. Thinking about food and thinking how good that sounds- I should eat.