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18:18, 28th March 2024 (GMT+0)

Check List for Premarital Discussion.

Posted by OceanLake
OceanLake
member, 1004 posts
Mon 17 Jul 2017
at 22:17
  • msg #1

Check List for Premarital Discussion

As I was contemplating today, it occurred to me:

I like dark/white meat; do you like dark or white meat. (Liking opposite-colored meats is a plus.)

Perhaps you have other items to add.

Here's another:

I sleep on the left/right side of the bed; how about you? (Ditto for nearest the door and nearest the bathroom)
mickey65
member, 72 posts
Long-time PbP player
Love several systems
Mon 17 Jul 2017
at 22:25
  • msg #2

Check List for Premarital Discussion

Do you ever forget to put your dirty clothes in the hamper before you shower? And come to think of it, where else do you leave clothes lying around?\

[While living with a roomie in the last year of high school, I had a neighbor who stored her clothes all over her flat floor. Finding a way to walk through her flat without stepping on clothes was a challenge.)
Gaffer
member, 1483 posts
Ocoee FL
40 yrs of RPGs
Mon 17 Jul 2017
at 23:21
  • msg #3

Check List for Premarital Discussion

Coke or Pepsi. It's a dealbreaker.
Tyr Hawk
member, 293 posts
You know that one guy?
Yeah, that's me.
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 01:21
  • msg #4

Check List for Premarital Discussion

Oh my. Well. Pfft. Let's go then.

Before I begin, a note:
All discussion is important. I cannot stress this enough but no matter what it is, or why, or how, discussion will solve more problems than silence. Not all, I will admit, but even little conversations are important. Talk about dinner. Talk about the weather. Talk about whatever comes to mind so long as it's talking.

And now, the list. For reference, some of this should've been discussed well before the marriage point, but you didn't say when this conversation was supposed to happen so... in no particular order:

1. Allergies? Whether it's who has what, or how serious they are, or whether or not you believe they exist (and disagree with science), or whatever else, this should be on your list.

2. Kids? How many? How soon? Adoption? Natural? Gender preference? What about birth defects? Learning disabilities? Godparents? Fairy Godparents? Include the vaccination talk here. Maybe even names for kids if it goes that far.

3. Sexual History? This should always include any relevant diseases one may have contracted, and should possibly include any sexual kinks or whathave you.

4. Family Health Issues? This is very important, as there are a lot of genetic conditions and possible problems one might run into later. Cancer is a big thing in my family, for example, though it tends to strike the women more than the men. My father has certain mental health issues I may have avoided, but that knowing the warning signs for it are good, just in case. This is also important to the children discussion.

5. Little preferences? White/Dark meat, as mentioned in the first post, is an excellent starter. Pepsi/Coke, side of the bed, M&M color preference, Netflix shows, favorite pizza toppings, TV in the bedroom, etc. etc. Any little thing can be important if you want it to be, and I seem to have focused on food, but that's how the cookie crumbles.

6. Hygiene Habits? Besides the clothes thing mentioned above, having an idea about general grooming is good. Does your paramour shave regularly? What is their opinion on how often dishes should be washed/where you can keep dirty ones? Do they use any particular brands of shampoo/soap (possibly due to medical issues, as I mentioned before)? Electric toothbrush? Can you use the same sink at the same time?

7. How much X do we have together? If you plan on moving in together (strange for a married couple, I know), then it's rather important to discuss how much you actually have together. How much silverware? How much furniture? How many mugs? If you have seven microwaves between the two of you, perhaps it's time to downsize. If you each have your own toothbrush, maybe just go with one (Kidding! Kidding!).

8. Career Goals? Both of you can't be stay-at-home-dads. Or, maybe, you can be, but you have to know that in advance. This includes any travel for that ideal job. Should include hours worked, typical shifts, and salary (if it's known and important). It's also good to know, if you plan on kids, whether or not you'll both be okay with a nanny, or if someone will have to step into the house to raise them.

9. Pets? Along the kids route, there's a lot to discuss here. Added in though might be what you'll do as far as dead pets, since that (if the Fates align) will not be a conversation you need to have about your children. This can also tie into allergies, but might be revealing in many other ways too.

10. Things you like to do? Sharing common activities is important. Learning to share is, perhaps, infinitely moreso. Finding you already do? Priceless.

11. Politics? Not gonna go into detail here, but this can be huge. Or it can be kept secret. Some people do well with that. I, personally, can't imagine the latter scenario, but apparently so.

12. Religion? Same as 11, though perhaps infinitely moreso. This may factor heavily into the discussion on children, and pets (depending on religion).

13. The Wedding? This seems obvious to talk about before the wedding, but it can be a big thing. Everything from venue, to invites, to band vs. DJ can, in some cases, break a relationship in two. Best to talk about it early. After all, you can't ever start planning soon enough for a wedding. It's incredible how much time it all takes.

14. Education? This might go along with the job, or it might be obvious without any discussion at all depending on where and where and why you met. Still, education is an (often) costly endeavour, and it's certainly time-consuming, and it could get in the way of nearly everything previously discussed.

15. Which Season of Game of Thrones are you on? Because spoilers for GoT might as ell be a relationship ender. And, since it's GoT, it might end in blood. Blood and Tears.

16. ???

17. PROFIT!

There's... probably more, but yeah. That's a short list. Take from it what you will, and go wherever it may lead you. You can have parts of this discussion later, or never, or much later, but I believe all of it is important to at least think about. And, again, don't stop and force these suggestions if the conversation takes you somewhere else. All discussion is important. Talk. Just talk.
drewalt
member, 79 posts
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 01:26
  • msg #5

Check List for Premarital Discussion

How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?

(Hint there's only one correct answer)
Merevel
member, 1188 posts
The Unlucky Gamer
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 02:10
  • msg #6

Check List for Premarital Discussion

Trial and error is how I have learned. I take all the bad traits, and frankly some of the good ones, and avoid them like the plague.

Interestingly enough:
Every girl I have dated who was allergic to Oranges, sulfa, penicillin, or is adiabetic, or has asthma, has cheated on me. What are the odds? Oh and most of my exes have some combination.

I could go one, but whats the point lol? Pretty much just pick and choose your values and make them a priority in your mate.
OceanLake
member, 1005 posts
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 04:53
  • msg #7

Check List for Premarital Discussion

My opinion on this:

3. Sexual History? This should always include any relevant diseases one may have contracted (If not cured), and should possibly include any sexual kinks or what have you. (preferences and no-nos...and monogamy or not) Other than that, don't ask and don't tell. And after, avoid suspicious prying.

I was thinking of a lighthearted list, but a list like this may be useful and save much fraught.
icosahedron152
member, 763 posts
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 06:59
  • msg #8

Check List for Premarital Discussion

A check list can be a dangerous thing.

Talking is good; interrogation is bad.

Anything that looks, or sounds, like a checklist for an interrogation/interview is likely to send your intended running for the hills. And probably with good reason.

You don't need a checklist. If you spend long enough with your beloved before you rush into matrimony, anything and everything that is important to either of you will have been naturally discussed, probably many times, long before the big day.

And if you're sensible you'll continue to discuss these things long after it, too. People change, grow and develop. Talking and sharing ensures that you grow together, in the same direction - intertwining rather than diverging.
Godzfirefly
member, 484 posts
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 07:08
  • msg #9

Check List for Premarital Discussion

In reply to icosahedron152 (msg # 8):

Well...you obviously don't want to ask all these questions at once.  That'd be weird.  But, all of these questions should be answered either via conversation or observation before getting too far into a relationship.

And, just assuming that you'll learn everything you need to know about your significant other if you spend enough time around them may not always work out.  I've spent 8 years with my significant other, and she still surprises me on occasion with details that I'd have thought I'd have learned naturally by now.  It doesn't hurt to ask advice about what important things should be thought about before getting too far into a relationship.  Especially since there is a point in any relationship where you get comfortable with each other and start feeling like you 'really know them.'  And, it's not too hard to get to that point without discussing something that ends up being important.  Heck, without asking others for their advice/experiences, you may not even know how important it is to you (or that you don't know the info about your significant other) until it actually comes up.

Really, at the very least, these kinds of conversations can help you realize what is important to you in advance so that you don't accidentally blurt something in the heat of the moment when you realize that your partner doesn't necessarily share your taste in something.
horus
member, 188 posts
Wayfarer of the
Western Wastes
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 10:35
  • msg #10

Check List for Premarital Discussion

I had but one question on my checklist for my second wife (yeah, I had to learn a lot from my first).  That question was:

Will she ever lie to me?

So far, in twenty-nine years and four months, the answer has been a steadfast "Not no, but *Fruit* No!"  Not even to spare my feelings.

Of course, this means I have to return the courtesy.  Total truth between partners can be liberating, but it has its downside, too.  I learned a long time ago not to ask questions if I was not prepared for the answers.

All the other questions can be settled by working together so long as this one thing holds true.

Her one question for me?

Will he ever cheat on me?

So far, I've come close once in a very rough patch in our life together, but did not take the opportunity when it presented.  Too much was, and still is, at stake.  I believe she knew what was happening, but I had the good sense to never ask her.  Maybe on my deathbed?  Nah.  Don't think so, Scooter.
SWolfe
member, 54 posts
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 13:03
  • msg #11

Check List for Premarital Discussion

TV on or off while going to sleep?
Tyr Hawk
member, 294 posts
You know that one guy?
Yeah, that's me.
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 13:55
  • msg #12

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

icosahedron152:
Anything that looks, or sounds, like a checklist for an interrogation/interview is likely to send your intended running for the hills. And probably with good reason.

I look before I leap.
I love margins and discipline.
I make lists in my sleep.
Baaaaaaby, what's my sin?!


Sorry. I truly couldn't help it.

You make a good point, but Godzfirefly hits it on the nose here. And... as a test of self-control, I'm not gonna say anything more on that particular subject.

BUT, I am going to mention that I was discussing this list with someone and they added to my hobby thing. "Make certain you have some hobbies of your own, because at some point you'll want to have your own space to do your own thing." Which seems fair to me. Not another question, but some advice I think is helpful. ;)
GamerHandle
member, 946 posts
Umm.. yep.
So, there's this door...
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 14:00
  • msg #13

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

The following is a little tongue-in-cheek, but, is also important (it's part of those "little things, that somehow matter")

Which way for the toilet paper roll?

If you think you are easy-going, wait until someone messes with how you do this!
Tyr Hawk
member, 295 posts
You know that one guy?
Yeah, that's me.
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 16:26
  • msg #14

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

GamerHandle:
Which way for the toilet paper roll?

If you think you are easy-going, wait until someone messes with how you do this!

You know... I have never cared about this. Not even a little. >_> I mean, if you have a cat/dog that like to unravel it, sure, there's only one way to hang it, but as someone who grew up with outhouses, some folks are just glad its on a roller at all.
Merevel
member, 1189 posts
The Unlucky Gamer
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 16:32
  • msg #15

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

In reply to Tyr Hawk (msg # 12):

Indeed hobies matter. The first time an SO crushes ideas about a hobby of mine I drop em like a sac of dead cats. Trust me, it's not worth the headache, and I will never understand people who stick with SO's that shoot things they love down like that.

Might as well cut off their foot for loving to take walks.

As for TP I never use rollers so they just lie around.
jwneil
member, 26 posts
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 19:28
  • msg #16

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

In reply to Tyr Hawk (msg # 12):

Everything is Rent!
phoenix9lives
member, 918 posts
GENE POLICE!  YOU!
GET OUTTA THE POOL!
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 19:33
  • msg #17

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

In reply to GamerHandle (msg # 13):

Actually, if you ever look it up, the guy who invented the toilet paper dispenser (can't remember his name) actually had it pictured rolling from the top in his patent application.
bigbadron
moderator, 15386 posts
He's big, he's bad,
but mostly he's Ron.
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 19:52

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

Checklist:
  1. Do you have a partner?  Yes/No

Brianna
member, 2128 posts
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 20:51
  • msg #19

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

I can't believe I don't see (maybe I missed it??) Do you consider yourself a morning person or a night person?  You may think you know, but unless you are already living together (and maybe even then) you may not.  Just because someone gets up for the 9-5 job doesn't mean that's natural to them.

Save/spend/some combination?  and related and possibly very revealing what they would do if one of you won a lottery?  But the day-to-day choices too.  Yours/mine/ours?  Even now I see young couples where one thinks all money is shared - except for their own paycheque.  Where one thinks all financial decisions will be made by one person.  Where they will tell, or even ask before, spending even small amounts - it's a pretty tight budget where there can't be at least a small amount for each person to spend (or save, if that's their preference), no questions asked.

How the children will be brought up?  In fact for many reasons, try to borrow some for at least a weekend (not the usual kind of babysitting job where you put the kids to bed for most of the time you are there).  If you are responsible potential parent material, I'm sure you can find a couple with young children who would love to have a weekend to themselves!  Even if you agree you don't intend to have any, or at least not for years, this can be a good test of how your s/o reacts to crisis and pressure.

Housework.  This can be hard to judge until it's too late, many (often but not necessarily men) will talk a good talk, but not walk the walk when they get there.  You would think that now when it's uncommon for one partner NOT to work outside the home, this would be less of an issue, but I see, especially with mothers of sons (what century is this??), children who have no expectation that they will have to do their own laundry, cooking, cleanup, etc, and because they have never done these things, have no idea how much, and how continuous/repetitive it all is.

Is at least one of you handy with a hammer, screwdriver etc?  It's not practical to hire someone every time you want to, for instance, hang a picture, even with the many modern products to help with this.

Did I mention city or country?  How rural?  Both for living and for vacations.  Some of this may come up in the 'if we win the lottery' discussion, but if one thinks the only good vacation is spent camping somewhere with no indoor sanitary arrangements, and the other thinks 'roughing it' is when the maid doesn't turn down the covers and put a chocolate on your pillow, there is a serious issue to be faced!  And just because one has always lived in city or country, downtown or suburbs, doesn't mean their dream isn't for something different.  Around here cottages can be an issue too.  As far as I can tell, even now, cottages are often a place women go to spend time doing the same chores that need to be done at home, but probably with less conveniences, though if one or both families are wealthy, the 'cottage' may be better appointed than the average home.  Still, unless there is a staff to take care of everything (really? I've known some nice 'cottages, but never one with a staff, even if there's some at home), someone has to do things, and I still hear of instances where the men do a little grilling, and the women have to do the rest, including child care.

How do you settle arguments?  Again this may have come up, but does one yell and then get over it, while the other gets quiet and holds a grudge forever?

I'm sure I could think of more, but this is already long.  It does surprise me though, how many couples get married without knowing anything important about one another.  Dating, and/or the club scene are not very informative about what a person will be like in day-to-day real life!
DarkLightHitomi
member, 1155 posts
Tue 18 Jul 2017
at 21:23
  • msg #20

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

Do they truly understand the difference between lust and love?

In my, admittedly limited, experience and sample size, most couples I know can't recognize the difference, and when the lust fades, the lack of love breaks them apart, often painfully. Actually, I'd attribute this as the cause of almost every breakup of people I know.
Nerwen
member, 1872 posts
seek to understand before
you seek to be understood
Wed 19 Jul 2017
at 04:06
  • msg #21

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

A few years back I tried out OKCupid. Their biggest feature is that they have millions of quiz questions about everything imaginable, and you pick both your own answer to the question and the answer you'd want your partner to pick, and rate its importance. It turns out to be a great way to find out all sorts of details about the other person without having to go through years of trial and error and asking questions and such. Everything you'd find out by dating without having to do the actual dating. :) It narrows down the list of prospects and might be less fun that way, but seems to work really well (I know two people personally who have found their lifelong mates that way).
icosahedron152
member, 765 posts
Wed 19 Jul 2017
at 05:57
  • msg #22

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

Tyr Hawk:
some folks are just glad its on a roller at all.

Love this. And it makes another important point - while we're all being picky about our partners, why not look closer to home? How important is all this pickiness, really?

We can erase many of our partners' 'foibles' at a stroke, simply by erasing one of our own - be more tolerant of those around us.
horus
member, 191 posts
Wayfarer of the
Western Wastes
Wed 19 Jul 2017
at 07:38
  • msg #23

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

icosahedron152:
Tyr Hawk:
some folks are just glad its on a roller at all.

Love this. And it makes another important point - while we're all being picky about our partners, why not look closer to home? How important is all this pickiness, really?

We can erase many of our partners' 'foibles' at a stroke, simply by erasing one of our own - be more tolerant of those around us.


So very well said.  As I already mentioned, most all of this springs from a well filled with honesty, sincerity, and compassion (which is probably more important in the long term than passion ever will be).  Part of that honesty has to be honesty with one's self.
V_V
member, 595 posts
Wed 19 Jul 2017
at 08:10
  • [deleted]
  • msg #24

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

This message was deleted by the user at 08:49, Wed 19 July 2017.
Mad Mick
member, 898 posts
Ain't sayin nothin
Got nothin to say
Wed 19 Jul 2017
at 09:09
  • msg #25

Re: Check List for Premarital Discussion

I had a checklist at one time.  I realize now that many of the things I thought were important actually weren't, and many of the things that actually were important weren't even on my radar.  I ended up with someone completely unlike myself, and the results have been amazing.  Sure, she doesn't get my love of roleplaying games, but she's encouraged me to pursue them, and she's really instilled in me a love of travel that really wasn't there before.  I've learned a great deal about compromise as a result.  Frankly, it's exciting to see how we are influenced by and influence those around us.
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