In reply to praguepride (msg # 1453):

I can completely sympathize. You want your buddy to succeed, do what he enjoys for a profit, and help them overcome potential pitfalls. Then...they just want to be told they're doing everything right, or want to find criticism with your critiques.

My one time buddy did this once (only he didn't quit his job/s).

---

Spoiler for what happened to me: (Highlight or hover over the text to view)
It was my birthday, and I invited him over to celebrate by playing a board game. He brought over what he and, apparently, his OTHER buddy were creating. I played it, and it seemed to have steep learning curve, but a lot like Legendary. It's big draw he kept pushing was "The enemy starts with everything they need, and if you don't stop them they WILL win" which meant it was more of memorizing the deck and playing through a precise sequence of motions, rather than making strategy based on a purely random environment. Essentially, the enemy would get sequential bumps to their power, but you KNEW that no matter what you were going to face the same modifier by like turn 15. So I told him I didn't like the game very much, because it felt like many of the turns were spent just letting the villain buff himself, while the players were struggling to just move, even if doing nothing else, to confront the enemy. That it was superfluous what the players did, because if they rushed on, it would take minimum six turns, and they would be severely under-equipped, whereas if they spent some time equipping and some moving, they would likewise be under-equipped, because it would take longer to move, and therefore the enemy would have longer to just equip himself. The only sensible thing to do, was just equip, and ignore the fires going on in the city, wherein you could beat the villain despite the city in shambles, because the villain would come to you.

Well, he didn't like this. Saying "Well my hero has a special card that lets him move"  Okay, well why don't you just make ALL heroes do that, and give some other level strategy. "Well, this is an example of choosing the right hero" So after about half an hour of criticizing it, I gave up and asked if we could play something else. To which he said "C'mon, it needs to be playtested. Besides, we only played like five times, you'll do better next time. We haven't even played on the hard mode!" So I had to coolly tell him it was my birthday and we had already played the game five times, and maybe trying something else would be a breath of fresh air. So he just said "okay, I'll just playtest it myself" which meant him playing solo...at my birthday, and we had to tell him we needed to serve the food on the table.

---

So my experience was far more due to circumstance and who I was dealing with, but nonetheless, it felt like a waste of my time, and was very much unappreciated. So I know how that is. Mike asked how expensive is was to print, and I told him, to which he said "Ookay, I guess I'll just print them out of my bubble printer" and when I told him that would lower the entire bid anyone would pay, he said "No it won't!" to which I just shrugged.

Some people just want to be told they're doing it right, and only have confirmation bias.

Needless to say, because of the exasperation of Mike's attitude, and other things he did that were impolite, Mike and I are no longer buddies.

You don't seem to have extenuating problems, and yeah, probably best not to waste time trying to give criticism if he's more interested in someone else's opinion, evidenced by some of the quotes you shared.

I found myself in a familiar place last night. Having been away from my abusive family for going on ten years, I learned to forgive, rather than hold onto poisonous hatred.

It was my brother's birthday, and I invited him over. I asked him what music he wanted to listen to, and he asked to turn on an artist from our youth, Pink, that's having a resurgence currently. Well, after the get together, it made me sad.

 Today, I was reminded of what few people I have in my life, and the fact I resorted to trying to befriend someone who was one of my worst aggressors. I got back onto my computer, and the very next song by Pink, Happy, was paused. I never listened to her before. This song just hit me, and I don't know if it was a crushing blow to level my resolve, or just to build level foundation.

It makes me sad. Makes me want to cry. Makes me want to get angry, just to stop being sad. Makes me want to give up on trying to make friends, because I've burned so many bridges.

Cry for a bit if you need to: it's what tears are for, biologically speaking, a means for excess emotional chemistry to leave the system. Angry gets dangerous unless it's productively channelled, and yes I'm a hypocrite on all the above, but I'm trying not to be.

There's no shame in being tricked by someone specialising in deception, either - you treated them as a good person would, reacted as normal to what they showed you, and were attacked. If a viper doesn't rattle and resembles a vine, not your fault for grabbing it. As for making friends...volunteer, if you can, or make some kind of art that will put you in touch with a community of makers. The more interest-sharing potential friends around, the less chance of siezing on one interest-sharing person who's a bad 'un, at least not without others noticing.

In reply to tibiotarsus (msg # 1457):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bs63f-uFIc0

I can't watch at present, but as for the title, heh, me too. When I was 11 I tried to make friends with a girl on the way to school by offering her half-cooked bread my mother had given me (she was trying to find something as cheap as supermarket bread or better and was just that bad at making it. I often got sent to school with crackers for lunch)...when she understandably ran away from the weird potato child offering her dough I spent the rest of secondary school going in an hour early so I wouldn't meet her on the road. I have a vow not to end up in an abusive relationship like my parents', because that's all that could overcome my kind of loyalty.

It came into play last year when someone I thought was a friend for nearly half my life got a new BFF with politics incompatible with my existence (literally, dude said it was "not okay" that people like me exist...how he planned to have society make us not exist wasn't clear but it was probably something like electrocution or gas, these people aren't super imaginative) and, well, ADD lack of self-awareness and tendency to take on the social colour of their surroundings...as soon as defending me was against "friend"'s self-interest (he had a game going with similar politics as background) it was frankly quite terrifying how fast I got turned on. I wished "friend" a good life and broke clean. Tore a hole in my heart to be sure, had to take a route to work that didn't pass the easy jump in the deep water under the W____ ferry for a while, but you know what? Alive people get to make more friends, and I found someone - through making, in this case GMing - who was like me in many several ways but had had a good life. It's possible, it is evidently possible, so long as you're an alive person.

So, I work in a vocational profession (archaeology pays less than bricklaying) which is like volunteering but getting paid, and I still have friends from an early 2000s writing site, so that's where the advice is coming from. I know that feel, my dude. Also, though? Make friends with your local crows. Just a little bit of breakfast crusts or whatever, not enough to cause fights or dependencies, same place same time, and bow to the couple whose territory it is. Don't look back after putting food down until you're well out of grabbing range, at least for a while. You will know when you've made it to crow-friend when they are happy to come close and give you a name.

I'm Bread Hands (or possibly Bread Grab or Bread Ungrasp, the first bit is definitely bread, the other call I think to do with wariness of how humans use hands, I've heard it as a caution when moving through a murder picking things off the ground) and my crow friends make a point, once every year, of bringing their babies to my window so I can see them. It's a joy.

I can empathize with all that, especially having read your Rmail before this. I will note, I DO have Aspegers, it wasn't just a "I feel like that" but I feel exactly like that. The severity and state of doing a million rights things, and then falling off the wagon to do a million little wrong things, is what lost my friendships. If you watch the video it'll make more sense.

As for feeding birds. I'm actually not much of bird person, but I do like other animals, and have bonded with quite a few. A bit of ornithoology advice though, try seeds. Seeds, unlike grains beaten to flour, will not wreak havoc on their digestion. I know you mean well, but bread is large and fluffy, even in small bits. It has them feel sated, without a great deal of caloric content. Just like fish, and farm mammals, bread isn't very good for them.

there's a place I LOVE to go in spring to Autmon, called Diana Rose. It's farmstead in Johnson County, and they have rescued birds, goats, horses (though you can only look at the horses) and ducks and geese. Sometimes, every now ands then, they'll have an artificial pong with koi of frogs in them. Mostly though I love to feed to ducks and especially the goats. They have feed vending machines, and I always spend about $5 while there, and make sure to leave clumps out of reach so kids that's parents won't "waste" the money have the chance to find the feed and have the same wonderful experience. It's another kind of experience to put down neat little piles of feed, and see a child "find" the pile and make the link that it's some "spilled" feed. It gives me such a smile. Sadly, until my health improves, I shouldn't be going out for long periods. Diana Rose has tendency to have me overdo myself.

So do I (sorry if that wasn't clear, I know it's annoying when neurotypical folk break in with stuff like 'I totally understand why you had to flee the library or break down hyperventilating and crying when they moved some shelves without telling you, creating critical True/Not True conflict against the mental map of 'library' in your brain  - if I see books askew I have to straighten them! [smiley]' - empaths, right? They're trying to help but...uh, no).

Watching the video...I do get where he's coming from, have been there in some respects, and I think that's either adult diagnosis there (i.e. learning to camoflage to stop getting beaten up in the wild and developing that urge to 'pass'), or maybe that he's not part of another minority that is always naturally aware that different people have different needs, because they're the only ones that'll see to them. If he'd been able to present as a weird person then he'd probably meet other weird peeps who would definitely be there for him.

I hope he's a freak for something like re-enactment or model trains, one of those making hobbies that a) attract peculiar folk and b) will get his work appreciated properly and not taken for granted. Losing shame at one's existence takes work and can be really hard, especially if it's an early or religious narrative embedded deep in there, but it leads to a better life so long as you're not hurting anyone.


As for bread, as someone who grew up around birds, part-raised a baby crow, and as a specialist in very dead birds* who needs to know about things like chronic malnutrition for paleopathology...crows aren't ducks (who need a lot more green and protein than carbohydrate, and would suffer from a diet proportion of daily bread) or songbirds (who would fill up dangerously on bread or porridge) and I'm not feeding unseeded white/shop bread; my friends with the cast-iron stomachs are in no danger from a small snack a day, and are doubtless getting far worse from the burger van down by the roundabout. Props for thinking things through, though! I'd never want to encourage playing silly buggers with wildlife health, and it's good to call it out if you think someone might be doing that. I suppose given my qualification above - this being a public forum - that I should add that it's bad to kidnap fallen baby birds unless they're in imminent danger of death from injuries sustained in falling and/or a present predator (as that one was) and you can't put them back in the nest. Don't do it, hypothetical passing reader who doesn't know!

I'm glad you know somewhere to go, but sad it's relatively high-cost in time, energy and cash. Could you volunteer there? If you had a definite few hours a week there out of hours you might be less tempted to stay a long time when it's full of humans.

If not...depending on your health problems maybe consider something like knitting or chainmail fabrication: something that's cheap to at least get into, is useful, engages your hands and brain just enough not to be thinking on all the bad things you've ever done, how you're just bad at being alive etc.etc. (what my brain does, anyway), and has a visible and desirable (saleable, even, once everyone you know has been gifted one) result. I like to make pretty mobiles, wooden spoons and horrible monsters, and modifying old/charity shop clothes into things that make me feel pleased to wear.

Lastly! Please know these are suggestions based on what's worked for me, not me thinking "this will definitely fix all the things and V_V should do them". So. Sorry for all the words, I hope some are of use there.


*my username is from what I was holding at the time I was coming up with a handle for RPoL - bit cooler than 'desk' or 'digitalcalipers', also to hand

*sigh* When I meant I wanted to be ready for trick-or-treat early, I wanted to be ready early.  I was setting up our Halloween display (we decorate our garage to give out candy during our trick-or-treat times) over the course of a couple of days.  I got help in hanging up the tarps to black out the garage, and then I asked if the rest of the decorations could be brought up from the basement so then I could get them slowly set up over the next couple of days I had off.  While our decorations are not hugely numerous, I know setting them up takes 1-2 hours, including several steps that have to wait until literally the last second. (Putting up the lights, because they're strung across and have to be tied to the garage door frame, so once the door goes up, it has to stay up, for example.)

The decorations made it from the back room of the basement to the base of the stairs, but never made it upstairs.  So I had to do that.  Morning of trick-or-treat, I got the larger bulk of the decorations out.  Probably could have gotten a few more things in place, but somehow I didn't want to be the only damn person doing them.  A couple more items I couldn't take out because it was at or below freezing and I didn't want the couple things that ran on batteries to have the batteries frozen.

An hour or so before trick-or-treat we got the lights up and a couple of other things placed, and all I wanted was fifteen minutes to cool down after all the running around.  I, after asking, thought that the battery-operated stuff would get out there while I was taking my break. Except it didn't, because "it might get stolen."  Look, no one is going to steal our five year old jumping spider, because the thing is the next thing to invisible in our dim garage, which is the whole point! We'll be out there in fifteen minutes, and I just want everything in place so we don't have to rush.

Finally I'm cooled down and go to get in costume: robes, full-head mask, wings with lights tied to them, one hand-held prop. Except at the same instant, I need to help get the other person's costume on.  Once I've helped them (eating into my own prep time), I need their help getting into the wings.  Except they grab the wings roughly, and manage to completely dislodge the lights and ties I had used on them.  I start to freak out, because the time it was going to take to fix them was going to mean we would get out there late.  My city only has trick-or-treat for 2 hours, and it is one of my hands-down favorite things in the world to dress up spooky and hand out candy; I wouldn't go to all this effort otherwise.

So I'm freaking out, making little moans and squeaks of frustration and dismay as I try to repair the damage, working myself up into a lather and starting to sweat like a horse. The other person doesn't know what I need done and can't really help, and also can't cover our trick-or-treat station because I'll need help to garb myself the second I get done.  It takes me far too long because I'm damn near shaking with anger at the situation, but finally I get the wings fixed and in place.  The jumping spider still isn't in place, and I abruptly nix the other two battery-operated things we had planned on because that will make us even later.  The other person goes to take the spider out while I get my props, rushing so much that I end up breaking the cat tree in the process.

I get out to our display finally and go to sit down, only to realize the other person has already put on their costume hands, so when they brought out our big jumping spider, the connector to the footpad trigger fell off.  You need full hand mobility and unimpeded vision to see where the tiny little connector goes, so I have to get my mask off and put my prop axe down to fix it in full view of the street.

Predictably our first trick-or-treaters come up to our display while my mask is off and my prop axe is blocking the candy bowls.  I move everything again so they can get their candy, and finally manage to fully costume myself and sit down, still sweating hard in the freezing weather.  The rest of the night goes fairly well, considering the cold weather, and we scare many kids before rewarding them with handfuls of treats.

But when the other person started talking about having an even more elaborate display with fancier props, I nearly decked him.  He barely put any effort into creating our current display, I nearly had a screaming fit getting this one up and running, and I can't seem to imprint any urgency on him for setting up in a timely fashion.  I can run this myself if I need to, but you do not get to request a change in theme or props when you don't even help much. I won't change our theme from "graveyard ghouls" to "evil carnival" just so you can wear an evil clown costume if you won't help set things up.

If the temp is above freezing next year, everything is going to be 95% ready to go a full day before, and I don't care what he says about it.
This message was last edited by the user at 02:23, Sat 02 Nov 2019.

In reply to Isida KepTukari (msg # 1462):

Sounds like you need a new helper, and possibly a whip to get them properly motivated. I hate people who pull that kind of crap. Say they are going to help, then do one or two Little things before disappearing. Major ARG type thing. Hope next year you have competent help, and maybe a little more time to set up. Sounds like you need a bit of both really.

In reply to Isida KepTukari (msg # 1462):

Sounds as though you should just figure on doing what you can do by yourself next year, and warn the non-helper that if he needs help with his costume he has to present himself and the costume as a specific time, else he's on his own.  I hope you tell him how you feel about this year, with specifics, else he'll probably feel all is fine, and why wouldn't you make it all bigger next year?!?

Okay, so here's a semi-serious story...

Almost 2 years ago, in December 2017, I bought the Savage Worlds core rulebook (the Deluxe Edition version). Before I could read it, I got sick - I got fever the very evening I purchased the book. It all ended with a three-week long pneumonia... Not a fun illness, I assure you. And it's something I tend to associate with that particular Savage Worlds book to this day.

Last week, on Friday, I purchased the newest Savage Worlds edition, the Adventure Edition. Aaaaand...

... the same evening, I started feeling ill. Seriously.

Right now, I'm at home on a sick leave...

The question: what the heck are those Savage Worlds rulebooks? Why do they make me sick? Should I make a complaint to Pinnacle?

Gah!

In reply to Varsovian (msg # 1465):

The universe is telling you to find a different set of books to read it sounds like. Or a new hobby if this one is going to make you sick all the time.

Noooooooooooo!!! It cannot be :\\

In reply to Varsovian (msg # 1465):

Was it a print version? Maybe try pdf to break the pattern. Or vice-versa.

I knew someone who used to get the flu every single year on Thanksgiving. Without fail.

And he loved food.

Pity, that.

Clearly, you need to gain experience with the system until you can boost your Vigour up a die type. [nod]

I'm in a highly reflective mood right now and for some reason feel the need to put my thoughts into text. I dunno if this constitues a 'Vent' or a 'Good things'. Maybe both, maybe neither, but posting this will most likely help me understand myself a bit better and perhaps let a few people know how they are or were appreciated.

Im not naming users. I'll substitute usernames for fruit :> But if any of the users are reading this they will most lilely know I'm talking about them and unless you also know them the rest of you won't know who I'm talking about.

Ive been on rpol since like forever and for me its both blessing and curse. Wish fulfilment and escapeism but also a cause of personal pain at times and a huge often negative distraction.

The golden days were pre-2007. I didn't really know any of the users that well on here but I did have regulars I roleplayed with. I remember two particular users who I had great fun writing scenes with. Raddish was probably the one I liked roleplaying with the most, though Water Melon was cool too. I dont think either of them are still on this site anymore, though. Raddish, if you are still around you played a Japanese woman in my Dhu Egolos game, and you were in The Voidwalker Project, and we both played in the game about the plane crash and the desert island (as did Water Melon).

There was also this really cool guy who started showing up in my games who I'll admit I was a bit retticent about due to his 'unique' play style and characters with, lets say, quite strong opinions in game. But the thing I admire about Mango is he really has the ability to stick to his guns, no matter how much shit he gets from people. And he's had to deal with a lot of crap from people.

I have on many occassion in the past had some quite hostile responses from people because I've been vocal about the fact that I'm attracted to Asian women. Despite this only coming from a small minority, everytime it happens it really hurts. Like deeply. Mango has dealt with far worse shit than I have and yet it really doesn't seem to phase him at all. I have great respect for the guy.


Anyway, way back in time I created a fallout based game and a player rtjed. She had a great creative mind and was really good at characterisation, both male and female. We became good friends. Apple used to joke (perhaps with a degree of political incorrectness) that she was 'The wrong kind of Asian.' She's of Indian ethnicity whereas I have an attraction to South-East Asians. Anyway it was for me the best year or two of my life on this site. The golden age. We ran games together, romanced each other in game and really bounced off each other. We grew very close. Too close.

So I left rpol as a result. I don't want to go into the details of my leaving but it was a very black time for me but I had to do it.

To say things were different when I returned is an understatement. A lot of my old friends had vanished completely. Apple was still around and I (hope) we are still friends but she's different now. Stronger. Happier I think. She deserves it. I however was still trying to escape the problems in my own life. I wanted things the way they were and didn't want to let go. It all ended due to an argument over ownership of two games, one which I created and another which I'd made a promise to the original owner that I wouldn't let die. She had taken over them when I left. I had invested heavily into both but they were hers now and she was keeping them. We fell out. If I'm being honest it wasn't just that. I missed her, but I missed who she was not who she is now. Its selfish of me because who she is now is a happier, better person. I think I'm still friends with Apple but we don't roleplay together anymore.

Which brings me to Marshmallow. My online relationship with Marshmallow has been interesting to say the least. I've known her probably the longest, longer even than Mango. I first roleplayed with her in a vampire game more than a few years ago. We hit it off (or at I least I thought we had). Then I left rpol. I came back around the time of the Fukashima disaster and because I wasn't sure of which part of Japan she lived in. I contacted her to check she was o.k. She didn't remember who I was at first but when she did she was less than friendly because I'd left her mid game. I manged to persade her to stay friends and for a while I considered her a good friend. She was the only user I had on my line account and I got to know quite a bit about her life and family. I even gave her relationship advice at one point. There were three big problems, though. The first was Mango. She had issues with Mango and at one point said he was harassing her. I still to this day don't really know what happened there but for a while I was no longer Mango's friend, to the point I went out of my way to avoid games he was in.

Then there was Apple. Apple and Marshmallow seemed to hate each other from day one. One of the games I mentioned regarding Apple earlier was a game I created specifically as an attempt to recreate the relationship between the two vampire characters that I and Marshmallow played all those years ago. I think it was a mixture of jealousy and personality clash but it became clear that the two of them couldn't be in the same game together. Apple backed down eventually. but Marshmallow ended up leaving the game.

Funnily enough it was Apple who persuaded me to be friends with Mango again.

So then the shit happened and I left rpol again. Now I'm back again I did try to contact Marshmallow. It was a brief conversation which ended with her blocking me from rmail. Marshmallow if you are reading this, I'm sorry we couldn't be friends. I know we never really saw eye to eye but I did like you. If I'm being honest I don't think Marshmallow ever really saw me as a friend but I wish she had.

So out of the people I still have contact with. Theres Advocado. I don't know much about her as by her own admission she's a private person. She played alongside me in Mango's recreation of my Voidwalker Project game that he called Project Starchaser, Lol. She writes some cool characters. Shes also bright and highly creative. She's one of a team of us working on a steampunk game and she contributed a lot to the races, history and setting. Shes cool.

Someone who I have had brief contact with but wished I had the opportunity for more is Lemon. At one point I'd hoped maybe Lemon could be a good replacement for Apple in terms of somebody I could bounce off in game. Unfortunately, Lemon has some serious health issues that is preventing her from doing anything other than rmail me occasionally about her progress. She doesn't deserve it. Not only is she a lovely person with an interesting history but she sent me some youtube links of her singing and she is both a physically beautiful woman and has a beautiful singing voice.

Someone who is bouncing off me in the way Apple used to is Tomato. Tomato is co gm in one of my games and she is great at coming up with interesting characters, both male and female. My posting time is limited but she's a very prolific poster so she can keep other players happy. She also creates some very good female Asian characters despite not being Asian herself.

I should also mention Horseradish. I don't know him that well except that he used to live in Osaka and he likes Call of Cthulhu. But there have been times when I've vented and he's added some wise and often kind words. So thanks, man.

Last but by no means least is Plum. I havent roleplayed much in game with Plum. I play in one of her games and I also co gm in it (meaning I post occasional remarks in OOC and do little else). Plum is someone I've known for slightly less time than Apple but have actually talked to her far more OOC than I even did with Apple. Shes incredibly intelligent, extreemly funny, and kind hearted. I honestly believe its thanks to her I've remained relatively sane and not left rpol again. She's had a tough time of it but deserves better than she's had to deal with. I hope she does realise her dream of living and Working in Japan and that she finds someone to replace the man that she still holds a torch to. Plum. I love you (As a friend and not in a creepy stalkery way).

So basically I guess I'm trying to say thank you to everyone I've met on this site and who I've learned from and thanks for putting up with this mentally unstable wierdo for all these years.
This message was last edited by the user at 10:32, Thu 28 Nov 2019.

In reply to Starchaser (msg # 1470):

People don't like you being blatant about the E Asian fetish because it dehumanises a large chunk of Earth's population.

Imagine if a bloke bigger than you said he wanted to get with you, not because of who you were or anything about you as a human being, but your hair colour/height combination, based on stereotypes about that build. Stereotypes that probably caused trouble for you all your life in interactions with Big Bloke's group (in this fantasy world where men treat other men like straight guys treat women, and this would put you in actual danger). Like, that's not personal/people trying to hurt your feelings, they're just reacting to you doing a creepy thing. It'd be creepy if anyone did that, especially if they advertised Adult games involving doing things to people with dubious consent in forums open to the public (and any passing kids).

It's really easy to fix and get way more friends...just treat people as equal regardless of phenotype and gender. No-one's mean to you for having a fetish, it's the whole stating in public that you want to have someone that looks like that, regardless of who they are or possibly even what they want. There's a word for men who do that, and you seriously don't want people to think you're one of those. I wouldn't say this if I didn't think you could do better, and easily. Just put a ton of reasearch into a game set in Japan and have potential romances available for all players and you can even have your fetish fully catered to without damaging your reputation any.

My vent: that sometimes you see someone oblivious, probably well-meaning, who has a bad idea that will hurt people if no-one says it's Not Okay, but if you say anything you become both That Guy and what I call The Maid, that one person everyone leaves to tidy up because they did it once, and once it's done, everyone just assumes it happens automatically and stops thinking about it. I'm going to stay off the main forums for a while now, cause snekheckit I am not The Maid. I just want to run/play dumb games and maybe reach out to the community sometimes, not have to wear the selection of label-hats I've been given over the years. I bit my tongue so long. I did. But most prejudice is the unexamined socially inherited kind, and just because someone doesn't mean to encourage the development of a worse environment for everyone doesn't stop the physics of social inertia. Enough "fine" little fires and you're sitting in a burning house.

In reply to Starchaser (msg # 1470):

I've been around on RPoL for quite a while now, and I have seen your posts and games floating around. I've never sent you a message before (because I didn't want to be That Guy as tibiotarsus mentioned), but I have a feeling that my thoughts on you aren't exclusive to me. To be completely honest, I find you creepy. I'm neither Asian nor female, but every time I read one of your posts and see it specifically requests that race/gender combination, I feel weirded out. Now, I don't know you, so I don't know if this desire is due to RP reasons or a personal fetish, but it does come across as the latter rather than the former. I know you're a capable role-player and that you truly do care about your games -- one glance at your Wanted: Players posts and some of the public threads in the games themselves shows this -- but the up-front nature of your request really puts people off. I'm not saying all this because I want to be mean to you or to beat down on you for who you are; I want you to enjoy role-playing as much as you clearly do, and to try and shine a light on why some people direct negative comments to you (and how to improve the public perception of you so you can play with more people).

As for your situation with your friends and former friends, I hope you can play with them again. I know what it's like to play with some truly spectacular people for a long period of time, then not be able to do so due to one reason or another; you feel as if a chunk of you has just been removed.

Thanks for your comments.

I wont debate it. All Ill say is it is not a fetish, and I try to wear my heart on my sleeve. Im sory if it offends some but Im not going to deny who I am.

However, I didn't want this to become a discission about preferences, I was simply trying to let those that I have played with and who I consider friends that I truly appreciate them.

I thought I could make it this year. I really did. I got through other holidays alone, and it was okay.

But a few weeks ago one of the people I GM for died. Might've been a suicide.
Last week I started developing a serious medical condition that I'm now on a whole army of pills and injections for.
And... Well. Alone. On Thanksgiving.
Don't get me wrong- I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot. And I thought because of that doing things this way would be okay for me. (Also, I critically misunderstood certain timing about some other celebrations. My bad.)
But this year has been a year I've struggled hard with loneliness, and the feelings of those I love being either far away or no long willing to interact with me. I thought I'd be able to bypass all that. I did other holidays alone and I was okay with it.
Seeing lovely pictures and hearing lovely stories has just made me feel jealous, and more alone. And I'm sorry to both others and to myself for that. Poor planning on my part.
Guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Doesn't help that I'm getting the consolation prize: "Tomorrow we'll get together!" - that hurts more. I'm not good enough to have thanksgiving with, but maybe later. It gets the same way around Christmas. Or New Years. Or whatever. "Later we'll totally get together." Doesn't particularly help that a lot of the 'laters' never come.
Damn. I thought I'd be okay with all this.
'Alone' and 'Frozen pizza' shouldn't be how I celebrate Thanksgiving. But here we are.

I feel you, Crazy Ivan, I am also spending this holiday and probably the others alone. When this happens for me, I try to find a way to make it special for myself: this year it's a good wine I haven't had in years, some of my favorite pie, and some quiet time to myself. It's hard when all you want is company, though. I'm sorry no one else was free today, or willing to invite you along. A lot of people do events days other than the actual celebration day. Maybe you could try to coordinate a second Thanks/Friends giving so you can still see folks and enjoy their company?

I am doing the alone on T day myself. I lost a good friend 2 weeks ago. He had a bad fall, then other things happened and actually died a few hours before I was able to get to the hospital to see him.
November is not a time of year I like anymore - Mom died in a car accident on Nov. 15, Aunt died on Nov 20. 5 days later. I was in the hospital from that accident for 4 months.
So not a time of year I celebrate much anymore. Tonight it's a potpie I like that is hard to find locally. Should I be thankful I found that pie ? Don't know.
Anyway, there are lots of us lonely people out here on the holidays who can kibitz with you on both the good and the bad of it all. So while we may not be able to talk in person, we still have Rpol.

I'm here, hearing you, brothers

A portion of this dynamic sounds tinged with a bit of cognitive dissonance (specifically, a dash of balance theory).

With just that snippet above, I'm not at all surprised that friction developed here.  If you are A, and you like B & C.  Later, only to find that B has unfavorable opinions of C (and vice versa), it's only natural to have trouble squaring that relationship in your own head.

[Oversimplified: Let's say I love dogs.  They obviously like me (because well, dogs).  This two-way street is simpatico.  Then I meet John.  I sort of like John, but then I learn John hates dogs.   This complicates the math.  Boom.  Cognitive Dissonance.  I mean ... doesn't like dogs ... what's his deal!?]

I intentionally left the specifics of the disagreement aside.  Not because they are unimportant — and I'm certainly not saying one side or the other has more or less merit — just mentioning that dissonance can develop completely independent of the particulars, and knowing it's there sort of helps frame the issue in your head.

Our cave-man brains are simply too hardwired to be social machines, and at times can be expected to function irrationally.  I find it helpful to know where some of those pinch points are ahead of time.  That way, when I get frustrated or what-have-you with XYZ situation, I can try to take a step back and figure out if a part of the issue is my approach ... or perhaps the lens that I'm looking through.

In any event, it takes a lot of guts to pen an 'open letter' on such a personal topic such as this, I hope everything works out.

I suppose not liking dogs happens but when dogs don't like someone, I take notice.
Dogs seem to be a good judge of character and don't care what words are fabricated.