I've got Hulu, Prime, Netflix, and YouTube, practically all of entertainment history at my fingertips, and I can't find a fruiting thing to watch.

I've recently binged on The Expanse, Dragon Prince, Dracula, Royal Pain, You, the Witcher, Bonding, and Castlevania, so maybe that will give you an idea of the range of things I like.

Anyone got any suggestions for something new-to-me?

How about... The Witch (a movie)?

Seen it. Actually rewatched it recently, since I'm a fan of the era. :-/

Thank you, though, for suggesting it.

Babylon 5 is always a good series to re-watch; or watch for the first time if you missed this classic
Altered Carbon, Justice League Unlimited, Doctor Who...just to name a few.

 A definite +1 to Altered Carbon & Babylon 5. The Umbrella Academy wasn't bad either, and you can find the original Cosmos on YouTube which is profoundly worthwhile.